Music:Wilco -*- Ashes of American Flags -*- Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
So i just put the finishing touches on my college algebra class. A giant big thank you to hopesstarynight for all the help, i couldn't have done it without you!! The last week and a half has been trying. I've been all out of sorts, anxious and a real pain in the butt. Much of that had to do with math and the fact that i was really at a loss for how to do the problems. But part of it too is that i'm so revved up from basically six straight months of touring that i'm finding it very difficult to relax. I'm used to working 18 to 20 hour days, 7 days a week, for months at a time. On top of that, i've been having what can only be called the proverbial mid-life crisis. I have been on about a 10 day freak out and it's been driving both me and emily crazy. But something happened tonight, while were talking, and i was being my crazy non-sensical self, and we were getting no where, and something just happened. I don't know what, but i'm feeling better. I hope this is a trend, and i stay getting better, because i hate the place i've been the last week and a half. I love this lady asleep next to me here, and i don't ever want to do anything that would fuck that up. I need to learn better stress management, and i need to start doing some serious self realization. I think a big part of this is just that i'm growing up quickly where for the past 7 years i've been sorta stuck at 21 years old and living simply for myself. Then there's Emily who's been living for two since she was 17. Sometimes i just feel like a wimp around her, but i've been burying my problems lately instead of talking about them, and that had to change. Now that we've really begun to talk about my issues, i feel like a weight is lifting off my shoulders. I think i will always worry to much, and think to much, and perhaps be a little too dramatic, but i think that's just part of my charm. I want this to work, and that is scary and wonderful at the same time. I need to just let myself be happy, and to be okay. That sounds a little new age-ish, but so be it. I need to just fucking relax and lighten up a little. There are two people in this house i just love and adore and i need to remind myself how amazing and important that is. I need to get over my fear of being a failure and realize that i am not my father, or my grandfather, and that i get to write my own chapter in this story, and it can be whatever i want it to be and the only person that it has to be okay with is me. And it is.