Not Romantic, Fauxmantic (strawberryviper) wrote,
Not Romantic, Fauxmantic

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the only reason i feel secure

San Diego
Canes (again!)

okay, i'm going to get right to the point because i just typed an entire page and it just disappeared for no reason and i'm so very tired.

today is day 20. what does that mean? well, ever since i saw 40 Days and 40 Nights, i've been trying to err... well, give up all forms of sex for 40 days. so far i've tried twice, i'm now on my third try and i'm 20 days into it and well, things have begun to look differently.

why am i doing this? besides just seeing if i can do it, i'm trying this because i need something different, i need a change, the way i've been going through my life just isn't working and at this point, short of joining a cult or being saved/born again, i'm willing to try anything. there's a part of me that really wants to fall in love, and there's a part of me that just thinks i should become a monk and do the world a favor by not interacting with anyone any more. in some ways, i'm trying to do both. i will say this, giving up ALL forms of sex really alters the way you think and the way you see things. my imagination is working way over time, and all of a sudden everyone is beautiful and sexy (i've always found some kind of beauty in everyone i've met, but this is... different) also, i find that i can write in a way that i find interesting. i've been working on songs and it's actually easier while i'm 'off the sauce' so to speak (it hasn't helped my spelling any though, or my grammer, go figure).
yes i'm a sick man.
all in all, i'd really like to meet a girl and really get to know her, get to know her as a person before having sex with her. i don't know, maybe this is just a defense mechanism, some way my heart is trying to keep itself from getting trashed again, maybe this is just an excuse to become further detached from a life i can no longer understand or live with, or maybe i am just continuing down the rosy road of mental illness, who knows. but this is the furthest i've made it and i'd really like to try to finish the deal this time. everyone knows how bad i am at finishing anything. maybe this will be the one time i get something done, or not done, you know what i mean.

LA tomorrow
house of blues
wish me luck.



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